Standing on the Edge
by chris pwure
Summary: Subaru's POV. his acceptance of what has happened and a complete break from the old


Disclaimer: X not mine.  
  
Subaru's POV  
  
Life can be so unfair. One minute you think everything is perfect, and then your world comes crashing down at your feet. Seeing those words, I know I've reached the edge of reason. I've known life was never truly perfect; I was caught in the beautiful illusion of living. But that was the only thing that got me through the days; a lie.  
  
I want to sink deeper into depression. I want to die. I don't want to be the cause of anymore grief. Really, do I have any choice? The lives that surround me now are seemingly meaningless. You were wrong. What I used to feel for humanity is now nothing. It's simply gone.  
  
Every story has two sides, as do a coin. The hurt, the betrayal, etched on Kamui's face when he saw me practically fall apart did not hurt anymore. I used to care. Now everything's just blended together. A mass of black merged with white and you get grey. That's what I am now. We used to comment, you were the black night, and I was the white beginnings of dawn. Two entirely different people. Opposites attract, and that was why we were drawn together from the start.  
  
I'm living a lie. From the time you appeared in my life, everything was a lie. For subsequent years, I've lived a lie. I told myself you did not matter, and I hated you for killing the love of my life. But how can I hate a person who's dead? Or the person I love? What a shock. I guess you planned it. It was sneaky, it was worthy of a true Sakurazukamori.  
  
When you died by my hands, I was not gleeful. I was crushed. My hopes, my dreams, all vanished. My only thought was of you, and the life that was yours was shattered because of your insipid stupidity. I'm angry, I know you chose to die at my hands, but did you have to do it so dramatically? "Carry things off with a bang," you used to say, with heavy lidded eyes that bore into me. What a croak.  
  
Kamui told me: "It pains me to see you like this."  
  
It pains MYSELF to see me like this. My lack of hope, my lack of love for humanity, it was all overshadowed by your death! I hate you for torturing me so. My hatred condensed into power. Power and strength I never had. Would it kill you to see me like this? I thought it was hard, to be you. But I think it's easier than being me, Subaru. The transaction was nonetheless simple. My conscience gone. It had nothing to do with the acquiring of your powers, it had to do with the way you chose to die.  
  
I know it's a beautiful thing to be killed by the one you love, but did you have to choose that way to tell me?  
  
An idealist would say, "Love is eternal." A realist would say: "So is death." Isn't it amusing? I'm no longer an idealistic person, but yet, I still believe that love is eternal. And death isn't. Metaphorically speaking, you STILL live. You live in me.  
  
I've seen myself through your eyes, at first, and I know why you could and could not be bothered with me. I really was a pathetic thing. I was nothing. Now? Will you change your mind? It's more than the outside appearance, I've changed it too you know? I wonder if I'm on the path of self destruction, first the loss of an eye and then the gaining of yours. You know that trench coat you love to wear so much? It's mine now, as is the title of Sakurazukamori. Now I realize why you like black so much, it masks the colour of red, the colour of blood.  
  
I'm just an outsider to humanity now. I watch, I wait, I listen. I stand on the edge and wonder what the earth holds that is worth saving. In a way, I became a Seal to be with you and I've become an Angel to be you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to imitate the great Seishirou, but I've just began to see your point of view.  
  
The world is heartless and cold. No one cares much for other people. And so I continue to stand, just looking on with indifference and wonder, "We're really more alike than you ever thought."  
  
You'll live in me forever.  
  
And I'm sure you'll understand.  
  
The title of Sakurazukamori is my pride now.  
  
It's time for me to make a break from the past, and embrace the dawn of a new day.  
  
All thanks to you.  
  
Rest in peace, my love.  
  
-end-  
  
Note: Hmph, why am I so angsty? I guess this is for Seishirou's birthday. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! 


End file.
